Handling Let Just Be Friends
October 4, 2007 | Leave a Comment
LETTER FROM A READER
hey,
whats up? i was wondering, there’s 2 girls i can go for.
the first is a really nice girl my friend introduced me to at a club. we had one date, it went ok, i tried to kiss her, but she wasn’t ready. a few days after she told me she just wanted to be friends, and i was kind of ok with it. but a few weeks later, she is really depressed and she whines and moans to me about her ex-boyfriend who is a real asshole to her.
and i actually said yes to being her shoulder to cry on. the 2 things i want to know about this situation is:
1. how can i tell a girl to f’off with her problems with her boyfriends without hurting their feelings, and
2. how can i attract her back?
the other girl is one i know at school, she’s really nice, and she knows i like her, ive asked her out but she said not at the moment, and ive been kind of trying some tips to help attract her to me, but they dont really seem to be working out. so i just told her that i’m done trying to date her, so i’d like to know how i can attract her without her knowing i’m doing anything.
thanx man,
C.T.
MY FEEDBACK
Okay, I appreciate your honesty, but let me cut to the chase: From your email, I can tell that the solution to what’s going on here goes WAY DEEPER than any “do this to her ” or “do that to her” answer, because right now, in the state that you’re in, and in the perspectives that you have on women, no matter what you say, it’s not going to come out right.
How do I know this? Because of “the first is a really nice girl my friend introduced me to at a club.”
How does mean she’s nice? What has she done to show you how “nice” she is?
You’re already putting her on a pedestal.
Then, “I tried to kiss her, but she wasn’t ready.” Even though it’s true that a girl needs to be “ready”, it’s not nearly as big a deal as you think it is. In fact you can often get girls that hardly KNOW you at ALL to kiss you. So it seems as if you’re perspective on women is that all the “power” is in their hands, as if you can only hope to kiss THEM when they are good and “ready”.
Then you say: “a few days after she told me she just wanted to be friends, and i was kind of ok with it.”
Kind of okay sounds to me like “kinda not sure.” Look, here’s the reality: You probably could have made her MORE than just friends, but if a woman DOES end up wanting to just be friends, then be DECISIVE about it. So TRULY be TOTALLY COOL with it, and move on to other girls.
The sad thing is that it’s a cycle, because if you are NOT cool with it, then you don’t move on properly, and you don’t get the other girls, and then you go back to thinking about the first girl, and that makes you needy, which makes you not able to get her or other girls. The REVERSE is true as well, i.e. if you ARE cool with it, you easily move on to other girls, and if you can so easily move on to other girls, you probably would have been the guy who was not needy at all, and you would likely have gotten the first girl.
Which would also skyrocket your inner game and make you attract other girls as well.
So the best thing you can possibly do right now, and something that is cost effective as well, is to get my Seduction Mastery Program right now.
Getting Out from Friend Zone
October 3, 2007 | Leave a Comment
LETTER FROM A READER
Thanks for the book! It explains a lot of where I’ve went wrong, and went right without realizing why in the past.
I have a question.
I’m in the ‘classic’ problem of wanting a woman who happens to be a friend - not wanting to waste an opportunity, not wanting to blow a good friendship.
Here’s the story - I’ve known this girl, not as a close friend but someone who’s been around for a few years - on and off we’ve been in the same city or conversely in different countries for months at a time; for over a year I was with another girlfriend etc., etc., you get the picture.
Anyway, the friend I’m talking about - recently we’ve had more opportunity to hang out with each other. A couple of weeks back I thought I’d see what my luck was, we were sharing a bottle of wine together, I flirted, she backed away, so I backed off too. The next couple of times we met I think we both made a point of allowing there to be a bit more distance between us than usual.
Right now, I’ve just returned her call and she suggested meeting at a cafe for lunch. I go ‘yes, let’s meet, but come round, I’ll cook us something’.
The past me would assume that we’re only meant to be friends and would not make any move… however the past me knew very little about relationships and the present me is still learning. What is your take on this? Thanks in advance for your input,
B. from UK
MY REPLY
First of all, just in case you are not seeing other women right now, you need to start doing that right away, or this whole situation will mess you up internally.
Now, if you are seeing other women, and you are still interested in her, then I can tell you that YES, there is a chance that you can take this situation further, but the challenge is that you had a couple of meetings where it seems you were put into the friend zone, and that’s hard to get out of.
It’s easy to change zones when you are in the friends zone and it’s your CHOICE, but not so easy when SHE puts you there.
So, the only choices you have here, if you want to make this happen, is to seriously ESCALATE the interaction when the moment is right.
I’m not going to explain the entire dynamics of attraction in one newsletter, but I will say that the key thing here is ESCALATION. In fact, that time that you flirted and she backed away, may very well have just been initial token resistance that EVERY girl gives when she is feeling not 100 percent sure, rather than a “BACK OFF MISTER” kind of thing, as you might already know.
So you have to be persistent, yet totally chilled out, and you have to be INTENT on this in your mind- not the kind of “negative pressure” but the kind of intent where it’s like “Man, I am going to GET this chick, because she turns me ON!!!!!!!!!!!” This kind of mentality blows apart any obstacles. You have to learn to instantly reframe and any kind of stuff she throws at you, i.e. she says “I dunno about this, I don’t want to ruin a friendship” so you say back “you talk too much” with a confident smile and then pull her in, and KISS her.
If she still backs away, cut her loose, completely, and don’t call her at all. Let her see you with other women. (And not just in a game, you really SHOULD be going out with other women anyway). Let it be TOTALLY ON HER at that point to feel it, to think about it, to come to the conclusion on her own.
The Real Attraction In You …
October 2, 2007 | Leave a Comment
LETTER FROM A READER
Hey, how are you?
I work in the social work field and I gotta tell you, your ideas are on the money. Stuff I never thought about, stuff that goes against everything I thought and believed “till now.
I was in a short relationship, 2 months, about 3 months ago. It just recently ended and I’m really feeling it. Had I had your materials beforehand I think things would have turned out differently.
She was everything I could ask for, beautiful, smart, nice. We both fell for each other, so it seemed, really fast.
Thinking back now I realize that she put me through what you refer to as the s**t tests. I thought I passed them, but looking back I realize that I failed every one of them.
I’m not gonna go into details about why she broke up with me, but I’ll tell you that it was my lack of self-worth that caused me to put her on a pedestal and pressure her away via my insecurities.
My question is this, does your “stuff” work on a guy who’s 40 years old? I mean, do the dynamics change for different age brackets? I keep telling myself, “man if I only had this 15 years ago I would have saved myself a lot of grief”. I need to fix some things about me and get in the game.
I’m just wondering if this all applies at 40. By the way, I’ve got it pretty together, I look much younger than I am, I’m considered attractive and I have a good career. I just got to get some game.
Thanks P., New York
MY COMMENTS
First of all, thank you for your honesty and the props on my programs. The reality is that these insecurities are a mother of an issue for most guys. And so what happens is that rather than CONFRONTING these issues, guys end up compensating for the issue by acting in all kinds of ways that actually push women AWAY.
Or, the guy ends up settling for or accepting a relationship with a woman that is abusive.
Why is why my approach focuses on massive INTERNAL development that allows for very tangible results in the real world with women.
And YES, this stuff ABSOLUTELY works on a guy who’s 40 years old. Without giving you BULL, the reality is that this stuff works also for guys who are 50, 60, and 70. The reason why it WORKS is because this is about EMOTIONS. A woman doesn’t care about the LOGIC of anything as long as you are making it FEEEL awesome.
Also, to be honest, in many ways, 40 is a BABY. You are entering your prime, because you have the experience and maturity to now take my materials and make a relationship with a woman something even more emotionally COMPELLING for her.
Whereas most guys that are younger are still stuck in the “Happy Days” mentality of “what club should I got to on Saturday night”, you may have the potential to offer a woman a lot more emotionally.
Think of the aura created by Mickey Rourke in 9 ½ Weeks vs. the aura created by The Fonz in “Happy Days”. (And if you haven’t seen 9 ½ Weeks, go see it, just remember not to learn from the psycho parts near the end, but rather the BEGINNING parts, i.e. his demeanor, the way he attracts Kim’s character when he first meets her, the places he takes her to, the way he keeps sex erotic, unpredictable, passionate, the way he makes her feel feminine by him being masculine, the way he can be playful yet exciting, etc.)
So the Fonz is cool, but Rourke in the film is a little more…adult.
So you can go beyond the high school mentality of most guys (i.e. “I scored!” or “I’ve got to score!”) and go into something that is not only sexual, but also EROTIC. The deepest levels of attraction are MORE than just sexual: The deepest levels of attraction are actually many different emotions at once, you can read the details here …